Confessions of Control

Tolerating my imperfectly placed heart around the setting sun on the Big Island, HI.

I've known for a while now that I'm a rescuer, but I never realized how much I take on the emotional responsibilities of others.   I tend to decrease my anxiety by care-taking.  I don't do my care-taking in a physical way, but rather in a social and emotional way.  I feel safer when I know that the people around me are happy, and I somehow convinced myself that if everyone else is happy-- I will be happy.  The nice term for this is people-pleasing, but the not-so-nice term is people-controlling.  It's two sides of the same coin.  I like to make people happy. I hate to disappoint anyone. It's the recovering perfectionist in me, hiding a fear of not being good enough. 

I feel bad when you feel bad.  And in order to keep myself from feeling uncomfortable in your distress, I'm going to try to make everything work out perfectly.  I'm going to plan. And worry for you. I'm going to check in on your emotions, but I'm also going to try to fix what is going wrong in your life.   I'll take on your burdens and make them my burdens.  But once I've made them my burdens, I'm going to try to change the way you're doing things... because obviously it's not working. I'm going to start telling you what you should be doing instead. I've made this my problem now, and gosh darn it, this perfectionist needs to solve the problem. I mean, if I don't solve the problem, then there is something incompetent in me. (No, I don't think you're incompetent. You don't need me to solve it... I just need to solve it now for myself... that makes sense, right!??!)  While my therapeutic training has helped me break the "problem-solving" with clients and be able to sit with negative emotions, I continue to see their success as my success. And when your self-worth rests on the success of other people, well, that's a really scary place to be. 

This great article that a friend shared on Facebook really opened my eyes to my controlling tendencies, and has helped me to conceptualize the boundaries of what I should try to control.  My desire to control doesn't come from a malicious place, but really a broken place.  Part of my journey towards well-being is to realize the real Source of my self-worth.  God sees me as perfect because of what His Son did for me in His sacrifice, and as a Child of God, I do have tremendous value.  I'm not good because I succeed at my job or because other people say I'm good. I'm good because Christ died to make me that way. 

I have the head knowledge.  I know I have worth in God. And actually, I do really like who I am today.  But old patterns die hard. And Satan constantly tries to taint our heart knowledge--- he tries to convince us we are never good enough and we have no worth.  Satan knows the power that a healthy self-worth can have for a Christian working for the Kingdom.  That's why I think he attacks so many Christians in this area.  So it takes constant work.  I have to remind myself daily of God's love for me and my love for myself.  I have to notice my controlling patterns and set boundaries with people. I have to regulate my emotions, tolerating the discomfort of seeing people I love struggling and not saving them. I have to stop focusing on how I can change other people and focus more on how I can change myself.  I am so not there right now, and I feel incredibly vulnerable putting this struggle out there for anyone to see.  But this is my story, and I'll end with a quote that I truly believe by a woman who I deeply admire.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 

― Brené Brown


By exploring my darkness, I hope I not only discover my light, but His Light in me.