You Are My Sunshine!

We have finally had a sunny, beautiful weekend! There is something about the sun and being outside that makes me feel healthier--both physically and mentally.  Not only am I more easily in a good mood and have more energy, but I am more excited to get out and exercise!

This weekend, I was able to participate in "Walk a Mile in Her Shoes" where over 1,000 people gathered to stop gender violence.  The men wore high heels, which was quite entertaining.  Many sports teams from the local college attended, which was so great to see! I love seeing men stand up against violence.  Jackson Katz would be proud, because as he says, violence against women is a men's issue. I love that I could combine being outside in the sunshine and support victims of domestic violence.  A charity walk/run is a great way to support a cause in which you believe and get outdoor exercise at the same time!

I also had a joyous time visiting with family.  My mother hosted a Spring Sing at her school, and we had a pizza party with my Nana and cousins afterwards.  Aunt Shauna was so excited to give M the pottery we painted two weeks ago. 

I finished off the sunshine filled weekend with my favorite summer time treat-- a smoothie! Smoothies are great because they are not only taste delicious, but they are packed with nutrients.  This smoothie has strawberries, frozen peaches, pineapple-coconut juice, and ice. I topped it off with chia seeds for omega-3s.  

I hope you were able to enjoy the sunshine this weekend and get outside.  I hear it may not last much longer... and there are even rumors that it could snow again (shutter!)... but I am very grateful for these few days of vitamin D!  I'm hopeful that this weekend's relaxation and fun will provide me with the fuel to get through another busy week!

Confessions of Control

Tolerating my imperfectly placed heart around the setting sun on the Big Island, HI.

I've known for a while now that I'm a rescuer, but I never realized how much I take on the emotional responsibilities of others.   I tend to decrease my anxiety by care-taking.  I don't do my care-taking in a physical way, but rather in a social and emotional way.  I feel safer when I know that the people around me are happy, and I somehow convinced myself that if everyone else is happy-- I will be happy.  The nice term for this is people-pleasing, but the not-so-nice term is people-controlling.  It's two sides of the same coin.  I like to make people happy. I hate to disappoint anyone. It's the recovering perfectionist in me, hiding a fear of not being good enough. 

I feel bad when you feel bad.  And in order to keep myself from feeling uncomfortable in your distress, I'm going to try to make everything work out perfectly.  I'm going to plan. And worry for you. I'm going to check in on your emotions, but I'm also going to try to fix what is going wrong in your life.   I'll take on your burdens and make them my burdens.  But once I've made them my burdens, I'm going to try to change the way you're doing things... because obviously it's not working. I'm going to start telling you what you should be doing instead. I've made this my problem now, and gosh darn it, this perfectionist needs to solve the problem. I mean, if I don't solve the problem, then there is something incompetent in me. (No, I don't think you're incompetent. You don't need me to solve it... I just need to solve it now for myself... that makes sense, right!??!)  While my therapeutic training has helped me break the "problem-solving" with clients and be able to sit with negative emotions, I continue to see their success as my success. And when your self-worth rests on the success of other people, well, that's a really scary place to be. 

This great article that a friend shared on Facebook really opened my eyes to my controlling tendencies, and has helped me to conceptualize the boundaries of what I should try to control.  My desire to control doesn't come from a malicious place, but really a broken place.  Part of my journey towards well-being is to realize the real Source of my self-worth.  God sees me as perfect because of what His Son did for me in His sacrifice, and as a Child of God, I do have tremendous value.  I'm not good because I succeed at my job or because other people say I'm good. I'm good because Christ died to make me that way. 

I have the head knowledge.  I know I have worth in God. And actually, I do really like who I am today.  But old patterns die hard. And Satan constantly tries to taint our heart knowledge--- he tries to convince us we are never good enough and we have no worth.  Satan knows the power that a healthy self-worth can have for a Christian working for the Kingdom.  That's why I think he attacks so many Christians in this area.  So it takes constant work.  I have to remind myself daily of God's love for me and my love for myself.  I have to notice my controlling patterns and set boundaries with people. I have to regulate my emotions, tolerating the discomfort of seeing people I love struggling and not saving them. I have to stop focusing on how I can change other people and focus more on how I can change myself.  I am so not there right now, and I feel incredibly vulnerable putting this struggle out there for anyone to see.  But this is my story, and I'll end with a quote that I truly believe by a woman who I deeply admire.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 

― Brené Brown


By exploring my darkness, I hope I not only discover my light, but His Light in me. 

I'm Back!

Much like The Mindy Project, I am BACK from my (unplanned) hiatus from blogging.  March was a very busy month at work with teaching 4 classes, helping to start a new service for co-parents, and traveling to Baltimore for a 3 day training... which became a two day training because of a snow day.  (Seriously, snow in March! I was very grateful for the sunshine today---welcome April! Let's put the snow behind us for a while, ok?)

Being busy at work tends to make life in general more stressful for me. I'm not very good at compartmentalizing.  So after a long, busy day, writing doesn't make my priority list. Not even journaling or blogging. I only have the energy for the light-hearted and easy. Here is what does make my priority list (in no particular order):

1. Television- Watching TV is just about the easiest coping skill I have. I'm not saying its the healthiest, but it certainly does make tuning out my real life quite simple. And it takes about 0% of my energy.  If you follow me on Facebook, you know I'm obsessed with The Mindy Project.  I'm also a huge fan of The Real Housewives-- currently Beverly Hills and New York have been filling 2 hours of my week. It's incredibly dramatic and kind of trashy if you ask my old roomies, but I love it. Love. It. I recently discovered House of Cards, which my dad and I have been binge watching. It is so addicting, but the characters are terrible, terrible people. You just can't stop watching though! I wish I didn't love TV so much, but the truth is, I do! So shoot me. (Ok, please don't. I'll miss out on all the shows I've DVR'd!)

2. Hanging Out- One of the new classes I'm teaching is only 10 minutes away from my besties, which means I get to have a mid-week sleep over every Wednesday!  I don't think I would have made it through March without regularly falling asleep on their couch watching The Mindy Project and drinking a glass of wine. I had a lot of other fun March dinners and events. Given that this is late on only the first day of April, I can't seem to remember many of them. But I promise, they refueled me!

3. Podcasts- While I managed to get some book and Bible study in (The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas is on my kindle), Podcasts are an excellent way for me to stay spiritually fed when my energy is low.  A good friend sent me a sermon series that rocked my world: Crash the Chatterbox from Elevation Church.  Check it out: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ElevationChurchCharlotte

Ok. That's it. I'm done for now. But I will be back again with more thoughts from the journey! But help me out, why don't ya! What helps you survive crazy times at work/school/life?

Mistakes

We all make them. We are all totally imperfect human beings. Yet how we handle our mistakes can be very influential on our well-being.

I was heavy hearted last week over a conversation I had with the women at the jail. We talked about the significance of their mistakes, mostly drug-related, on the course of their lives and the destruction of their families.  Tears filled our tiny classroom and pain filled my heart as I sat with these women, so full of love for their children but so broken by addiction and abuse. It was important for them to feel the pain of their actions and understand the consequences on those who cared for them.  It was a step in healing from these mistakes. They needed to feel remorse and gain that perspective in order to move forward in their journeys.

While we all need to feel the pain of our mistakes, we can't stay in that painful place forever.  Guilt is important when we have done something wrong. It motivates us to learn from that mistake and do something different in the future.  However when we sit and wallow in that pain for long periods of time, our guilt becomes shame.  When we shift from thinking, "I've done something bad" to "I am bad" we become paralyzed by our mistakes.  Rather than using our pain for motivation, we use our pain as an excuse for more mistakes.  And we get stuck in an awful cycle of trying to run from our shame, and thus creating more of it.

I am a perfectionist by nature.  I've realized that perfectionism is incredibly harmful to me, thus I've decided to be a "Recovering Perfectionist".  When I make a mistake, I have an old habit of beating myself up and focusing on the negative.  The thoughts of my mistakes can haunt me for years.  (I still remember the question I "should" have know on my IQ test when I was in 2nd grade about water being called H20... my 7 year old self could not believe I had forgotten that!)  I have had to remind myself constantly that it is ok to be imperfect. It is part of life to make mistakes.  I do not need to dwell on those mistakes, but rather need to make amends and determine what I can do better in the future.  I need to not only seek forgiveness from those I hurt, but to seek self-forgiveness.

When we harbor shame, we deny ourself the mercy and grace that we give to others.  No one truly deserves grace and mercy, but we have it. Not because we earned it, but because Christ earned it for us. I am imperfect and broken, but He is perfect and through His blood, He sees us as Whole.

25 Things I Learned about Life while I was 25

Lauren and me on my first day of 25.  I have a few more wrinkles on my last day of 25!

Twenty-five is one of those ages that stands out in your mind.  A quarter of a century old... time for that quarter-life crisis.  So as I finish my last day of being 25 years old, I wanted to reflect back on what I learned about life this year, the good and the bad.  So here is my list:

1.     Gratitude is the secret to joy.

2.     Having a job you love is totally worth all the sacrifices.

3.     Sexism in the workplace still exists.

4.     My friends are amazing. Like, really amazing.

5.    I like tequila.

6.     Be very careful when drinking tequila.

7.     My opinion of myself matters more than anyone else’s opinion of me.

8.     The energy we send out to the world makes a difference.

9.     I have to be my own advocate.

10. I still try to “rescue” people.

11. Notice beauty in the everyday.

12. Kindles really aren’t evil.

13. Gardening is good for the soul.

14. I have a problem with resentment.

15. Making music with talented musicians makes me a better musician.

16. Sometimes people will pay you to do what you love.

17. McFlurries just make a day better. (Warning: McFlurries also have addictive properties)

18. Yoga can change your life.

19. Simple is usually better.

20. God is still working for Good.

21. People in jail are still worthy people.

22. Even adults need hugs from their moms sometimes.

23. It’s important to make time to laugh and play.

24. Living with your best friend is awesome.

25. If my next 25 years are as blessed as my first 25 years, I’ll have one wonderful life. 

Streams in the Wasteland

I am loving this verse right now! "I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19. 

I love that this verse stands for Hope. Renewal. Redemption. 

Not that very long ago, I was in a bit of a life crisis.  I was suffering in my job and felt totally burnt out. Everything I thought I knew about what I wanted in life and what I had thought was my Calling, suddenly didn't seem to be very life-giving. Rather, I felt that I was in a barren wasteland, lost and wandering. I didn't see what God was doing until He did it. 

God did make a way for me. He did provide a stream in my wasteland through a new position that fits me better... where I can do a better job at showing Love and Grace.  And I feel refreshed.

Whatever desert you are in, there is Hope.  God provides for His Children. He doesn't promise that we'll never experience the wasteland.  He does promise that He'll be with us and help us through it. 

The Thief of Joy

Here is my latest BCOG newsletter article. I have struggled for a long time with comparison... and I think it's something that plagues everyone, but especially Twenty-Somethings. I'd love your thoughts!

http://lucrenshaw.com/2012/02/06/tell-me-tell-me/ 

Teddy Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.  This strikes a chord with me.  How much of my life do I spend comparing myself to other people? How long do I focus on my inadequacies and feeling that I am not enough?  I so often look around at other people succeeding and thriving, and I wonder why I’m not where they are.  It’s all about comparison and it’s a downward spiral towards hopelessness.

The Message translation of Galatians 5:25-26 says, Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

Paul knew that comparison steals joy.  He knew that when we are living in the Spirit, we are not to focus on how we measure up according to those around us. What truly matters is if we are living in the will of God and fulfilling His purposes.  Focusing on how we compare to others distracts us from living the life that He has for us.  God could be calling us each to something amazing according to His standards, but we miss out on it because we are afraid of the responses of those around us.  

What are you closed off to because of comparison or fear or shame? Is it that opportunity to mentor a young person? Or a mission trip you just don’t feel experienced enough to go on? Or maybe it is even attending Sunday School because you’re afraid others will see your flaws.  God can use you and grow you in incredible ways if you stop allowing comparison to paralyze you.  Refusing to compare yourself to others is not easy.  If comparison has been a practice for you like it has been for me, stopping will take time.  But we can do it through becoming aware of when comparison is our motivator and refocusing on the Voice of God.

God doesn’t see us as one better than another. Rather, He loves us more than we could ever imagine—infinitely more.  But accepting that love is difficult.  Believing that God has forgiven my sins and sees me as worthy is so tough when the world, and sometimes Christians in the world, remind us of our inadequacies.  When we use shame and legality to try to change people, we are working against God’s desire for the church to love others. God doesn’t shame us. He doesn’t make us earn His love by acting in all the right ways.  All we have to do is accept the gift of Jesus, and we are redeemed.  Through the lens of the cross, there is no comparison.  Christ died for one and Christ died for all.  If comparison is the thief, Christ is certainly the giver of joy!

Be Blessed,

Shauna