Manly Men, Men, Men...

Have you ever wondered what it means to be a man? I must say, as a woman, I haven't thought about this topic too deeply until lately.  I'm currently teaching a Parenting Class in our local prison, and our lesson was all about how they identify manhood. I found this topic fascinating! 

Maybe it was the mystique of the opposite gender.  Maybe it was the fact that unlike women, men have no biological marker for entering manhood. It is all socially and culturally constructed.  So I really wanted to know... what does it mean to be a "man"!? So like any normal 20-something, I asked my closest guy friends (ok, this is not normal. Fine).  Yes, I wanted to know what the incarcerated parents I am teaching think about manhood, but I also wanted to know what your average, Christian male thinks about manhood and how it compares.  So here are the results of my very informal and unscientific survey...

So what did the inmates say... (in my own summary)

1. Responsible

2. Provider

3. Reliable

4. Protector

5. Organized

6. Honest

7. Strong

8. Spiritual and Moral Leader

9. Achieving 

10. Healthy

And what did my male friend say...

According to society:

1. Strong

2. Reserved

3. Showing Little Emotion

4. Material Providers

5. Accomplished

6. Willing to Fight

And particularly for Christian Men:

1. Spiritual Leader

2. Dominant 

While they were generally along the same lines, I was amazed at my inmates' focus on the positive qualities of manhood.  And when I asked them for examples of manly men, they gave models like "Martin Luther King, Jr, Jesus, Gandhi".  I kept probing them for negative stereotypes.  Dying for someone to name a sexist rapper or gosh, even Chuck Norris.  But amazingly, these men who have went against the norms of our society and committed crimes, are also fighting to go against the norms of manhood.  Perhaps they have experienced what it means to be stripped of "manhood"--to be unable to provide, to be unable to protect, to be unable to achieve for their families from the confines of the prison walls. And frankly, I think it is beautiful.  In prison, you can spend your time being miserable or you can spend your time finding meaning.  Perhaps these men have questioned their decisions and are really ready to find meaning in being the kind of man they want to be now.  I pray that they can do this on the outside.  I pray that the old patterns and habits that got them into trouble... the same kinds of patterns and habits that get us all into trouble... can be broken.  That they can focus on being a manly man like Jesus... a man who was man and God.  Who in his humanness, loved and healed and gave. 

I think that our society does tell men they have to be tough, they can't share their emotions, that they have to fight and control and win.  But I think these men are tired of listening. Tired because they faced the consequences of trying to be a real man in their culture, or tired of not feeling like a real man in a culture that doesn't accept them. Regardless, how can we stop telling men how to be manly and start telling them how to be Godly? 

The artofmanliness.com shared this quote from C.S. Lewis:

C.S. Lewis is spot on (when is he not)! We expect so much out of men while at the same time disabling them from being "men".  We poke fun at honorable, good men.  We praise men who sleep around and make lots of money. We have created a society that makes being a man incredibly, heartbreakingly difficult.  So what do we do about this? I don't really know.  Except to be a real man like Gandhi and "Be the change you want to see in the world." For men to stand up and be kind, open, and nurturing.  For women to appreciate men who don't conform.  For society to see the vulnerable with absent role models, and promote the men who the gentlemen in prison have yearned to know and be.

So tell me, what do you think it means to be a man? What has society told you about manhood and how can we redefine it? How can we all be the change?